Could you tell me the difference between these socks?

Yes, I need some assistance buying a pair of socks, and I've got a good hour to spend contemplating which socks I should purchase, so where shall we start?

And then there’s the heart surgeon guy, a man who can take your heart out of your chest, place it on your belly and put it all back together again, but cannot comprehend the workings of and is downright dumbfounded by a trunk mounted car rack. Yesterday, the heart doctor guy, who we lovingly refer to as the penis guy, (more on that later), and who I will henceforth refer to as Dr. Penis, came back in after I thought he had finally left, to inform me that the instructions for the rack were not included in the box. Again, here is a highly educated man, who understands the vastly complex functions of the human body as well as the universe of medicine, but who cannot conceive that perhaps the instructions could have slid to the bottom of the box, below the rack, and therefore out of view. You should have seen the astonished look on his face when I reached down in there are produced the instruction packet. I might as well have pulled out a little bunny he was so bowled over. And then he asked, for at least the fifth time, “Is this rack difficult to install?” “You’re a doctor,” I said, “You’ll be fine.”

Five Easy Steps

Each morning when I wake up, I ask myself, do I have to work today? If the answer is no, I smile, feel an overwhelming rush of joy pass through my body, and try to go back to sleep, but falling back asleep is usually impossible, considering how exuberant I feel knowing that I have the day off. If the answer to whether or not I have to work is yes, well, then I begin the process of preparing myself for the inevitable eight hour slog, in just five easy steps.

Step 1: Brew and guzzle a pot of coffee. Aside from facilitating the wake up process, this is an especially effective way of diverting the pain of going to work to your stomach. A pot of coffee swirling around in an empty stomach results in such an unpleasant feeling, you will temporarily forget about work and can instead dwell on your caffeine-induced queasiness.

Step 2: Flicking your balls. On particular days, such as sale days or days when you know that a customer is coming in early for a comprehensive bike fit determined to eliminate discomfort in their knee or ass or toe, the coffee-pain diversion trick isn't enough, and more effective technics are necessary. Pounding your pinky toe with a hammer, I've found, is also quite effective.

Step 3: Brainstorm for any reason to not go to work. Although rarely a fruitful endeavor, occassionally inspiration strikes, and a perfectly legitimate reason, such your kid is sick, will arise, and you're golden. If you're a person who doesn't have kids, such as myself, you're totally screwed and you're totally going to work, and with only ten minutes to go, and excruciating pain in your balls combined with a naseous feeling in your stomach, it's time to bite the bullet and suck it up.

Step 4: Look in the mirror and give yourself a motivational speech that would bring Deepak Chopra to tears. This is the last resort, when there is no more hope, and when you realize, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Make a pitcher of Kool-Aid, cause you're gonna drink it, kid.

Step 5: Be strong, be brave, and go.

If you follow these five easy steps, you will be ready for your day, and you will look like just like this poor bastard:



And you must do your best to remain in this state of mind for as long as you can. For me, I can usually do this for a good twelve minutes or so. By the end of the day, despite being as strong and as brave as I can, I end up looking more like this poor bastard:

The Cast of Characters: Part 1

Hi. What direction can I point you to?

You are never supposed to ask a yes or no question on the battleground known as the retail sales floor, such as, "Are you gonna buy something today, or what?" because then the customer has the opportunity to say no, and subsequently has the opportunity to actually not buy something. I don't want to ask you, the discerning reader of retailjunkieburnout.blogspot.com, a yes or no question either, such as, "Do you want to read any of these ramblings?" because you may say no, and I wouldn't have the chance to trick you into reading any further, which would be a shame, because I'm about to introduce a few of the characters that will make reading this blog intriguing and worthwhile. These characters, who will be developed in techicolor-like detail, will be affectionately referred to as...the Super Friends.