Each morning when I wake up, I ask myself, do I have to work today? If the answer is no, I smile, feel an overwhelming rush of joy pass through my body, and try to go back to sleep, but falling back asleep is usually impossible, considering how exuberant I feel knowing that I have the day off. If the answer to whether or not I have to work is yes, well, then I begin the process of preparing myself for the inevitable eight hour slog, in just five easy steps.
Step 1: Brew and guzzle a pot of coffee. Aside from facilitating the wake up process, this is an especially effective way of diverting the pain of going to work to your stomach. A pot of coffee swirling around in an empty stomach results in such an unpleasant feeling, you will temporarily forget about work and can instead dwell on your caffeine-induced queasiness.
Step 2: Flicking your balls. On particular days, such as sale days or days when you know that a customer is coming in early for a comprehensive bike fit determined to eliminate discomfort in their knee or ass or toe, the coffee-pain diversion trick isn't enough, and more effective technics are necessary. Pounding your pinky toe with a hammer, I've found, is also quite effective.
Step 3: Brainstorm for any reason to not go to work. Although rarely a fruitful endeavor, occassionally inspiration strikes, and a perfectly legitimate reason, such your kid is sick, will arise, and you're golden. If you're a person who doesn't have kids, such as myself, you're totally screwed and you're totally going to work, and with only ten minutes to go, and excruciating pain in your balls combined with a naseous feeling in your stomach, it's time to bite the bullet and suck it up.
Step 4: Look in the mirror and give yourself a motivational speech that would bring Deepak Chopra to tears. This is the last resort, when there is no more hope, and when you realize, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Make a pitcher of Kool-Aid, cause you're gonna drink it, kid.
Step 5: Be strong, be brave, and go.
If you follow these five easy steps, you will be ready for your day, and you will look like just like this poor bastard:
And you must do your best to remain in this state of mind for as long as you can. For me, I can usually do this for a good twelve minutes or so. By the end of the day, despite being as strong and as brave as I can, I end up looking more like this poor bastard:
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